Within the Coil
by blue meridian
Summary: The Sanzo-ikkou add to their list of inner demons. A little bit of every pairing if you know where to look, but mainly 39. PG-13 for language.


Disclaimer: Thank God this show isn't mine. If it were, I'd put those characters through so much hell that even our favorite not-so-merciful goddess would start to twitch. Speaking of goddesses, Kazuya Minekura has the rights to this flaming fest of fucked-up fun known as Saiyuki. Sell your souls to her.

Warning: Okay, I'm the one writing this. Therefore, slash will be involved. This means guy hearts other guy, and other guy possibly hearts former guy back. Just not in so many words.

A/N: I was having one of those restless, broody nights, and also felt guiltily compelled to write something since I hadn't updated my ongoing fic. This is the result. One side note being that I am not entirely positive of Jiroshin's position in relation to good ol' KB, and apologize in advance for potentially screwing that up.

Within the Coil

Originally titled

An Invading Silence

-o-

Kanzeon Bosatsu parted her lips in surprise. After a pause, she tilted her head upwards, as if contemplating the heavens. An inane gesture, she thought idly. She looked back down into the lotus pool.

"Look at that, Jiroshin," she murmured, her deep, throaty voice unusually soft. She got up and stretched her arms above her head, pulling on one elbow with a satisfied sigh. The casual motion looked a tad affected to her associate, but he said nothing.

In a louder voice, she continued. "Mortal life is so interesting, don't you think? The way it can be there, stupid and exuberant and making such a mess one moment, and then suddenly blank the next." The hermaphroditic goddess smirked, and put on her most disrespectful tone, the one aimed specifically at scandalizing her underling-cum-comrade. "Mortality is certainly a whole hell of a lot more interesting than the goings-on of this shithole." Jiroshin reacted with the appropriate blush and  
'K-Kanzeon,' and the goddess chuckled.

Settling back into her seat, Kanzeon rested her chin on her hand. With hooded, condescending eyes she resumed observing the portents of her pool. "We're in for quite an interesting show, Jiroshin."

Her servant thought she almost sounded unhappy about it.

-o-

It was Gojyo that cried. It made fairly decent sense, if one thought about it. Excluding Goku...which was now...necessary... Gojyo was the most emotional of the group. He raised a shaking hand to his forehead and clutched it as if he were dealing with a violent hangover. After the corners of his mouth wavered for several seconds, a soft, choked "Shit," escaped from his throat. With a ragged moan that he had tried to turn into a more masculine, frustrated growl, he kicked the ground, just missing the coronet. Wishing to god that the pack of cigarettes in his back pocket wasn't empty, he clenched his eyes shut as tear after tear ripped haltingly down his face.

Hakkai seemed very intent on his breathing. His hands were frozen at his sides, half-formed motions of reaching, helping, doing _anything_ leaving his elbows instinctively bent. He continued measuring out slow, utterly silent breaths, forcing the chaos back in his mind. He was barely aware of Gojyo slumping to his knees beside him.

Sanzo was completely still. He didn't even blink. For all appearances, now would have been the perfect time for enlightenment. Except that the word "perfect" would have gotten torn to grisly shreds the minute it tried to approach the situation. Unexpectedly, he felt his throat constrict, and broke his unmoving position. With a jerk, he turned and started walking stiffly away from the scene. "We're going," he ground out, more guttural rasp in the command than actual vocal sound.

Hakkai turned slowly, still willing himself to remain in control. Taking an even deeper breath, he tentatively inquired, "...Sanzo...What about the coronet? Should we –"

"Leave it." Sanzo's tone was final; it cut through the air without room for question. Hakkai inhaled sharply, and Gojyo's fingers curled themselves into fists. Sanzo raised his gun.

"We're leaving now."

Gojyo sent the monk a glare of undiluted loathing, and defiantly bent down to pick up the dully gleaming coronet. A shot rang out, jarring the silence, and Gojyo hissed in pain as the blood dripped from his first two fingers. The coronet lay upside down three feet away, an uneven dent marring the metal headpiece.

"Give me a reason to kill you, kappa." There was steel in everything, in Sanzo's voice, his eyes, his grip as he held the ominously glinting Smith & Wesson. "I'll be happy to oblige."

Gojyo felt his lips curl and narrowed his eyes, a snarl building behind his teeth.

"You...you fucking– "

"Put the gun down, Sanzo." Hakkai's quiet, precise voice ceased all motion. "There's no need for anyone else to be killed tonight." Sanzo glowered, aiming now at Hakkai, but the man continued calmly. "If you don't wish to keep the coronet, there's no reason for any one of us not to take it." Sanzo fired again, missing Hakkai by an unthinkably narrow margin, but the green-eyed youkai didn't flinch. "This is all childishly unnecessary," came the cold voice of the old Cho Gonou, "And you will stop. Put the gun down. Now."

Sanzo's arm remained raised, but he did nothing as Gojyo slowly walked over to the coronet and picked it up.

-o-

They managed to find an inn that night. Out of habit, Hakkai had asked if dinner was provided.

With two rooms available, a tense moment occurred when deciding how to split up the rooms now that there were three of them. The solution was obvious enough; Sanzo preferred to be alone and Hakkai and Gojyo were perfectly comfortable with each other, but the fact that a decision had to be made caused a general sentiment of uneasiness. The group silently unloaded Jeep, who transformed and settled sorrowfully on Hakkai's shoulder, mewing in a plaintive but consoling sort of way. Gojyo announced abruptly that he was going to buy cigarettes, and the other two headed up to their rooms. At the top of the flight of stairs, Hakkai hesitated. He could usually read the blonde man easily enough, and although Sanzo's expression was inscrutable, Hakkai felt that he could safely assume that 'miserable' would cover at least some of what Sanzo was feeling. 'Pissed off' could always be counted upon. Understanding Sanzo wasn't the problem. Hakkai was as much in turmoil as he, and although by his counseling nature he felt compelled to speak, he had nothing of use to say. Stifling a sigh for both their sakes, Hakkai walked the opposite direction down the hall.

Gojyo closed the door behind him, his gaze flickering to Hakkai's and then dropping hurriedly, as if looking anyone in the eyes were embarrassing. "Hey," he said gruffly, shifting his weight to better hold the paper bag in his right arm. In the end he had bought more than cigarettes; the gnawing desire to occupy himself had led to a rather unnecessary amount of shopping.

"Hey." Hakkai looked up from the bed, smiling resignedly in that way that Gojyo hated. But, given the situation, the kappa wasn't going to hold it against him.

Silence seemed to be the theme of the day, and as it buzzed nervously within the room Gojyo snorted, with a distinct 'this is stupid' expression on his face. He went to set the groceries down, but got tangled up in the white dragon sleeping on the floor. With an alarmed "Hakuryuu, what–?" he crashed to the wooden floor, sending the contents of the paper bag sprawling. Hakkai's eyebrows furrowed briefly when he saw that, among other things, Gojyo had gotten half a dozen meatbuns. Gojyo glared at them balefully and then rolled onto his side, having no will to get up.

"Are you alright, Gojyo?"

The weight of the meaning behind Hakkai's words pressed Gojyo even further into the floor, and he closed his eyes to block out the look on Hakkai's face.

"No."

Hakkai picked up the fallen groceries and sat down beside the redheaded water sprite, who lay utterly defeated on the cold floor. After a time Gojyo sat up and suggested a game of cards. Hakkai brought out the deck and silently began dealing. This they could deal with. This was familiar. A whisper from a shadowy corner of Hakkai's brain said that they were both familiar with loved ones dying, too, but he ignored it and they began to play. The casual joking that ensued was false, but comfortable. They needed this.

"Full house," declared Gojyo confidently; the game was more fun when he acted as if he thought he could actually win for once.

Hakkai smiled weakly at him, and set his cards down. "Nothing. It seems you've won this time, Gojyo."

After a stunned silence, Hakuryuu cooed inquisitively.

-o-

Sanzo was vaguely upset about the fact that he would have to buy another pack of cigarettes soon. He hadn't noticed how many he was going through until he had only three left. At the rate he was smoking, it might as well have been a rainy day. Removing his robe jacket, he settled on the bed.

So. Goku was dead. There was no need to avoid saying it in his head, he chided himself, gripping his cigarette forcefully.

Really, the only reason he avoided saying it at all was because the others had seemed so set against it. But he, Genjyo Sanzo, wasn't afraid to say it. He could say it out loud right now.

He didn't.

Sanzo sighed in annoyance. They had suffered a loss; he would admit it. Goku was a capable fighter, and had often contributed to the mission despite a severe incapacity for reason. But they could also fight just fine without him. He himself could get along just fine without any of them. They weren't necessary. Goku wasn't necessary. Something emerging from a trapdoor in his head asked if it were easier or harder to think that now that Goku was gone.

Sanzo pinched the cigarette between his lips and inhaled, drawing out the action purposefully. The more attention he could give to menial things, the less time he had to actually think. He exhaled.

He had lost people before. Ever since that first loss, he had accepted death and learned not to give a shit about other people to begin with. People were cheap and useless, and they would all eventually either leave you or die. After his master's death, none of the others had mattered. One after another, all meaningless. This was no different.

He inhaled again.

No different.

Exhale.

No different.

Inhale.

No different.

Exhale.

No different.

Inhale.

A muscle in his jaw twitched, and he pounded a fist on the nightstand beside him.

There hadn't even been a fucking body for him to take with him. Just a scattering of dust and that goddamn coronet. Sanzo muttered obscenities and put out his cigarette. Kicking off his sandals, he violently pulled the sheets halfway over himself. He could at least indulge the delusion that he might get some sleep. Trying to stem the onslaught of thoughts that laying down always seemed to invite, he engaged in a fierce staring contest with the wall. As the candles in the hall were put out and the light creeping under the door disappeared, the room sank to darkness. Sanzo never noticed.

-o-

Around midnight, the door to Sanzo's room creaked open.

_"Get out, bakasaru. Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"_

_"Meanie. I just want to ask you a question."_

_Sanzo sighed heavily and rolled over. "This had better not be stupid."_

_Goku meandered over to the bed, and kicked a bit at the floor. Sanzo glared._

_"Well?"_

_"Hang on a second! It's hard to say." This was met with a grumble and the sound of shifting sheets as Sanzo lifted his head to look at the boy. Goku turned away from him, feigning a casual attitude. "If...if Hakkai or Gojyo got hurt..." he said aimlessly, "If they died...would you be sad?" _

_Sanzo sat up in surprise. "What brought this on?" Goku shrugged noncommitally. _

_"I was just thinking."_

_Sanzo snorted derisively. "You?" _

_"Hey! I bet I think more than Gojyo does!" came the defensive reply. Sanzo had to agree with that._

_"So...would you?" Goku ventured._

_Sanzo drew himself up, his expression impassive. "I would continue the mission without them."_

_Goku looked back towards the stoic blonde. "Well, yeah, but...would you still be sad?"_

_The question was met with silence. Goku drew a breath, looking back down at the floor, and continued almost inaudibly, "Would you be sad if I died?"_

_"What kind of question is that?" came the sharp reprimand. "I thought I told you not to ask something stupid."_

_Goku cringed, but turned to face Sanzo stubbornly. "It's not stupid," he protested, 'it's not! Sanzo..." The monk hated it when he said his name like that._

_"Go back to your room, bakasaru."_

_Goku's gaze returned to the floor. "It's dark."_

_"Turn on a light."_

_"It's small."_

_"Deal with it. Just be grateful there were enough rooms available so that you could be by yourself."_

_"Don't wanna be by myself," Goku whispered insistently. "Sanzo, it reminds me of the cave."_

_Sanzo hesitated at that. "What do you expect me to do about it? You're sure as hell not staying in here with me." Goku started to grin, and inwardly Sanzo started to worry. He could usually get the monkey to do what he asked, but when Goku smiled like that his control over the boy seemed to wane. Goku crept closer to the bed, tentatively crawling up onto it. Sanzo shot him a dark look from under his bangs._

_"No."_

_Goku sighed exaggeratedly, hopping off with a "Okay, okay. Meanie." The mischievous youth then curled up on the floor before Sanzo could say anything else. He bit back a smile when Sanzo tossed him a pillow, which collided with his head. Sighing happily, Goku wriggled into the fluffy square and closed his eyes. From the bed, Sanzo regarded him cautiously, and then sank into his own pillow._

_"...I might be."_

_Goku blinked his eyes open, and looked over at the very still figure on the mattress. "You might be?" he echoed in confusion._

_"Your question," came the carefully nonchalant voice, "I might be." _

_Both the room's occupants lay pondering sleepily, until each let their eyelids slide shut._

_"...Hey, Sanzo?"_

_"**What?**"_

"May I come in?" The monk jerked around to the face the doorway, his reverie interrupted. Hakkai stood placidly in the doorway, holding a cup and saucer gently in front of him. The monk shut his eyes wearily. "What is it, Hakkai?"

The healer stepped lightly into the room, and gestured towards the cup in his hands. "I thought you might be having trouble sleeping, so I made you a cup of tea. It has a rather effective sedative in it."

"I don't need a sedative. I'm sleeping just fine," Sanzo mumbled into his pillow.

Hakkai gave him that knowing, damnable smile. "I see. My mistake. Still, I'd appreciate it if you drank it just the same." Sanzo begrudgingly took the cup into his hands, scowling as Hakkai watched him benignly. After he had finished, Sanzo handed the cup back to Hakkai and turned over on his side.

"Ah, by the way, Sanzo," Hakkai cut in, "Gojyo bid me give you these." Sanzo heard a light, plastic scratch and a heavier metal _clunk_ as Hakkai set whatever it was Gojyo had wanted to give Sanzo on the nightstand. After he heard the door click shut, Sanzo turned to look at the items in question, half-knowing what to expect.

The coronet and a pack of cigarettes lay innocently on the table, moonlight reflecting off them. Sanzo stared until the sedative overtook him.

-o-

Sanzo decided that walking up a mountain was a profoundly different experience when you had no insistent, whining voice in your head taking up all of your attention. There was a freedom to notice things, such as the serenity of the mountain plant growth and the beautiful blue sky. Sanzo decided that the mountain was a bit ugly.

He approached the cave with mild apprehension. Of course it would be empty. Of course. He looked inside.

Well, he had expected it to be empty, after all.

Sanzo sat on a rock just outside the cave, wishing he had brought his cigarettes with him. Arms folded in his wide sleeves, he wondered why he had come up here in the first place. The other temple monks had been getting on his nerves, but he could have gone anywhere else to escape from their pointless assertions of existence. Not bothering to come to a conclusion, he noticed that the sun was glaring down vindictively the way it had on his first trip up here. He snorted, almost laughing to himself. That grating, pathetic plea had been so annoying, like an itch on your back that you couldn't reach.

A thought occurred to him. He had come to this cave because he had heard Goku calling to him. Maybe the same would work in reverse. In the back of his mind he knew that this was the craziest thought he had ever had in his life, but he told the back of his mind to fuck off.

Feeling a bit foolish, he called out, "Goku. Oi, Goku. Bakasaru." He listened warily, knowing that Gojyo would never stop laughing if he saw the taciturn monk calling out to something that couldn't possibly answer. There was no response. The back of his mind muttered something like 'idiot' and Sanzo bit the inside of his cheek. He looked around, angrily clinging to the possibility of any sort of reply. Nothing. Then:

"Miss your pet, Konzen?"

Sanzo whirled around to find the taunter with her hand on her omnipotent hip. "What the hell do you want?" came the irritated reply.

The goddess flashed him a patronizing smile. "The same thing you want, Konzen. A happy ending." She stared Sanzo down, then waved her hand flippantly. "Unfortunately, you're not going to get one for another few hundred years. Tough luck, kid."

Sanzo gritted his teeth. "Then Why. Are. You. Here."

The insufferable goddess winked at him. "To wish you luck, of course."

Violet eyes narrowed dangerously. "Luck for what?" Sanzo received a rather serious smile from the consistently amused goddess.

"For getting back down the mountain."

Oh, how he wanted to hit her. She blew him a teasing kiss and faded into the golden backdrop of sunset, and he was left alone.

He wanted to hit her even more when he realized that she was right. His feet didn't seem to want to move. He had absolutely no desire to leave the mountain. What did he have waiting for him at the bottom? A bunch of sniveling cronies who didn't know shit. Three deities who got a kick out of sending him on aggravating missions. And a complete absence of loud, gluttonous, headache-causing monkeys.

Sanzo looked into the cave, remembering when a scrawny, wide-eyed idiot had stared at him in awe from behind thick metal bars. The bars were gone now, melted away into nothingness. The chains, too, were nowhere to be found. All in all, there was nothing to demonstrate that this had been the place where Sanzo had first found the senseless, idiotic creature that had wormed its way into Sanzo's life . This place was just as empty of Goku as the temple below.

He turned and walked back down the mountain. It was quiet.

-fin-

A/N: I think this fic drags a little in the middle; I was starting to get tired around that part. I guess around six a.m. my creativity starts to wane. I felt a bit guilty; usually character deaths come with warnings of some sort. But I know that I personally feel less motivated to read something that tells me someone is dead or dying before I even start on it, so I cheated. Just so you know, this is a deathfic (bwahaha).


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